I want to talk about how the mindset and belief system of a serious seeker evolves. Based on insights from my own experience.
In my younger days (less than 12 years of age), I was a believer in God or whatever the name you may call for such an entity or concept. But I used to question various practices. I used to ask my parents on what is the point of Abhishekam or Bali of animals & offering of their meat etc. I would say, why can’t the food be donated to the needy.
I had my questions on Tantra practices and the super human powers like Ashta-Siddhis etc. I was very curious about how Mantra and Tantra can be used to bring certain results. I used to wonder, if there are Sadhaka’s in current time who have achieved these. If so, who can teach such practices. How can they prevent misuse of such practices? The answer and conclusion I reached was – There were such practices which could bring results which are unexplainable by modern science. But over a period of time, there were no Sadhaka’s who have achieved it. These practices fell over time, as there were no qualified student, the reluctance of gurus to transfer this to unqualified students, loss of granthas and persecution of these practices by occupying forces. So the conclusion is, it was lost forever. For me or anyone as a seeker, this is a hopeless dead-end.
A new ray of light emerges at this point, as I get to know about Gurus like Ramakrishna and Vivekananda. This gives a hope that some of the spiritual practices and teachings were available as recent as 19th century. All is not lost. Few practices and paths like Tantra and Vamachra may be. But Vedanta, Bakthi Marga and other paths are still alive. But what if I need here and now in 20th century? The conclusion I reached was, there is no one alive and realized to transmit the knowledge. Moreover there is an ever present danger of who is the real Guru and who is a fictious one? Almost all the arguments of atheist and active opposers of Sanatana Dharma will feed on this dilemma. They scare you away from seeking by raising the possibility of you getting brainwashed. There are many negative messages about cults, their dangers, people who lost on their path etc. etc. You have been warned and scared against going on your spiritual journey. The disappointing conclusion from this, there are no genuine gurus and I have no ability to find who is the real one.
Most believers are stuck in the above state. As crossing this requires a leap of faith, a leap beyond your rational and intellectual brain. Your intellect will continuously, raise questions, doubts, fears and keep you here. As I have seen with my fellow seekers, in most cases a mental breakdown which results in suicidal thoughts, a death like situation, makes them question the above conclusion. When I reached such a point where I had to try anything and everything to go beyond the above conclusion. I want to believe in a super natural power, I want to believe in a purpose for their life, I want to understand why I was facing the crisis. I also want someone to guide me in my quest. This is a stage where I sought a Guru. My prayer to Dhakshina Murthy whenever I was in a Shiva temple, was to show me my guru. At this stage Bhakti literature and discourses were my main stay. The promise of Rama to save anyone who surrenders and takes his name, provided me a hope. Irrespective of my above conclusion, I started beliving that God will show me the way. If not in this birth maybe the one after or the one after that and so on. But listening to his greatness and saying his name, were the only options left to me and I need to continue it. You may not have a Guru, but until you find him, you can believe in an Ishta devata. Bakti practices like chanting God’s name, mantra ,nama jaba and listening to discourses like Bhagavata puranam can eventually take you to your destination. At this point, my conclusion is Bhakti will give results, eventually but surely. Now I have a guarantee and guarantor.
At this stage an urgency and anxiety may arise. You may believe Bakti will give results, but you may want it sooner. What if I want to reach there soon? What if I can improve and accelerate my practices. You still want a Guru in this life to address such doubts and anxieties. If your desire is strong enough, your commitment is strong enough, your cries are loud enough, your sincerity is pure, then you reach your Guru in this life. The axiom of “ask and you shall receive”; “when shishya is ready Guru appears”, is proven. This maybe their first experience which strengthens their belief in their path. Their earlier conclusion of God will save gets enriched with a new belief and hope that my Guru will take me there.
But this is not the end of the story. The mind still plays it games. Now you realize that the enemy is within, your own mind :-). It creates doubts about Guru, his powers, his methods. What if there is a better Guru? What if he\she can take you there with an easier and quicker. What if I get brainwashed? If you read about the lives of Chinmaya or Ramana and their followers, you will see some of them have left their Gurus and sought an another Guru. But if you have found your path, your guru and stay on your Sadhana, you start seeing the results. My mediation experience after my initiation from my Guru was at a very different level than what I have experienced earlier. These kind of better mediation experience, many coincidences and mini-miracles, strengthen your believes and keep you on course. This may need a separate post, with details on this section of my journey.
Vijay's Reflections 